Dr. Doushe Bag

Christi Carlton Uncategorized
Christi Carlton Blog Post


It’s 2013 on a Friday afternoon at 12:27 PM.  I am full time executive for a world-wide company and a total badass.  I am heads down working like a crazy woman, kicking ass, taking names, and making executive decisions all along the way.  All of a sudden my phone, which is not on vibrate, screams “Woo Ha Ha, Text Message” as I’m delivering a very serious and business centric message to an audience of 1000+ employees.  Much to my delight, the text was from my totally awesome soul sister, Amanda.  “Woman.  You need to go out with me tonight.  Nothing late.  I need a WingGirl.”

Who am I to decline such a magnificent offer from my gal-pal?  I mean really, her date was bringing along a friend, so why can’t she?  Who knows, this could work out to be 2 awesome dates, future relationship, and maybe even a double wedding.  Or it could go totally wrong; I could kick the guy’s ass and toss him into the river leaving me in the awkward third wheel position.  What do I have to lose?  I could stay home tonight and wash my hair for the 14th time this week or take a chance that Mr. Awesome is this random guys bud. Hmm….what is a girl to do?  Duh, GO ON THE ADVENTURE!!!!!

After work I scramble to get ready for a date with Mystery Man.  It is one of those nights where I should have been able to leave work early, but some massive emergency erupts, as I’m getting ready to leave for the day, causing me to reduce my time to primp by 30 minutes.  How do I make up for the time loss?  By putting on a sexy maxi…no one will pay attention to my hair or makeup!  Yes!  Brilliant plan!

Amanda and I look amazing and we are ready meet our dates.  This tall, very thin guy comes over and introduces himself to Amanda.  He seems nice, but could really use a nice lady in is life to help his style.  Then his buddy shows up about 30 seconds later from the opposite direction. I politely introduce myself and we shake hands.  

The conversion is going down hill fast.  He’s not charming at all, though he thinks he is.  Frankly he’s a real jerk.  He’s also hiding behind the overly priced, pertinacious sunglasses, a Rolex knockoff he tried to convince me is real, and more labels on his clothing that I can bare to discuss.  Finally the sun begins to set and he reveals the most amazing blue eyes I have ever seen.  They are the color of the Caribbean Sea and sparkle like the stars.  I find myself not caring what obscene, grotesque, douche bag like things come spewing out of his mouth because his eyes have placed me in a trance.

About that time he asks what I do for a living.  I share the typical cliff notes version, as I never reveal on a first date the depth of my work related responsibilities.  I return the question in which he answers, “I work at a hospital”.  “Oh great.  Are you in billing, a janitor, or perhaps a nurse?”  He replies, “I’m a Physician.”  Lucky me…I’m on a date with Doctor Douche McSteamy. 

All of us decided to walk over the river.  As we stand there talking, the doctor begins to share information about drugs all woman should take to lose weight and increase sex drive.  This was followed up by his confession of bad doctors gone wild.  The man honestly admitted to sleeping with not one, but several married women.  You could see the excitement in his face and hear it in his voice.  This man loves himself and clearly wants to be castrated by some woman’s husband.  He is in love with dirty, daring, and daunting woman.  Needless to say I am appalled.

From here, he begins to try and impress me more by telling me he just bought a paddle boat and has dreams of someday owning a fine American Muscle Machine…in other words a sports car.  At this point, I have NOTHING to lose.  Dr. Douche is about to get the testosterone sucked from his body, a penis size reduction, and ego obliteration.  He has just messed with the wrong woman.

Lesson learned ladies – Make sure you ALWAYS listen to what a man says.  They will tell you in a matter of minutes who they are, how much character they have, and how you can expect to be treated by this guy.  If he talks about sleeping with other woman on your first date, do not give him a second date.  Hell, don’t even give him your number!  You are worth being treated like a goddess today and every day!

Stay strong ladies!

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