After my divorce, I decided I would open myself up to date guys that were not stereotypically, “My Type” and by the time I turned 35, I was done dating boys and was ready for real men. I was probably a bit late to the party on this, but when I finally realized that there were specific guy deal breakers on which I wouldn’t budge on and as a grown woman, I stuck to them. Why? Because, as a grown woman, I deserve greatness — and so do you.
He doesn’t have a job. I feel like this should be obvious but for some women, it isn’t. If you meet a guy and he doesn’t have a job, run. If he says he’s just “in between jobs,” you should still run. Once you he gets comfy with you picking up the tab, he’ll never get a job.
College was the highlight of his life. A guy who talks about his high school and college years all the time, wishes that college never ended because that was the highlight of his life. You don’t want to be with a guy whose thinks his heyday was when he was 21 doing keg stands every night of the week!
He’s a struggling (Fill In The Blank). It doesn’t matter if he’s a struggling writer, struggling musician, struggling race-car driver, struggling painter, or struggling photographer because “struggling” anything is a total deal breaker. Unless, of course, he has a “real” job but he just “struggles” on the side because who knows, he could be the next big thing. There are a lot of us who transition to new careers, just be sure if he is “struggling”, he has a steady stream of income outside of you!
He thinks sexist, racist, and/or homophobic jokes are funny. RUN, RUN, RUN!!! This isn’t just a deal breaker, but something that should have you throwing dinner rolls at his head before storming out of a restaurant. You have no place in your life for hatred, ignorance, and intolerance — it’s like a cancer. You must surround yourself with loving, caring people.
He’s never lived alone. If a guy in his 30’s is still living with Mom & Dad, RUN! Once a guy gets used to his mom doing his laundry, picking up after him and cooking him all his meals, the chances of him moving out are zero to none. Not only that, he will expect you to take over Mommy’s job! It’s so important for a man to know how to do his own laundry, cook his own meals, pay his own bills, and be comfortable all alone on his own sofa.
He has a substance abuse problem. As someone who’s dated an alcoholic, I can attest to the fact that this isn’t an experience that anyone — especially a grown woman — wants. While there’s nothing wrong with drinking like a fish sometimes, something we’re all guilty of doing when we want to let loose, substance abuse problems are a totally different situation. It’s also something you can’t compete with because he’ll choose the substance over you every time.
He’s not sure what he wants to be when he “grows up.” While there’s nothing wrong with being unsure about your future, there’s something completely terrifying about a grown man still talking about “when he grows up.” As a grown woman, this should terrify you! It’s a HUGE sign that he probably doesn’t have a clue as to what he wants to do because he doesn’t want to grow up. Likely, he never will.
He talks badly about your friends and family. When it comes to talking crap about your friends and family, no one has authority to do that. Sure, we all have a judgmental sister, a gossiping cousin, and that specific friend who can’t keep a secret if her life depended on it — but because you love them, you love them in spite of their flaws. If a guy, who clearly doesn’t have any such a right, has the audacity to talk smack about the ones you love most, send him packing.
He’s a cheater. While there’s no scientific proof that “once a cheater, always a cheater,” if you find out a guy is a cheater — as in, has cheating in his past — that’s a deal breaker. You do not, under any circumstance, want to give him a chance to cheat on you too. There is no excuse for cheating, ever! A real man would leave the relationship before giving into temptation.
He doesn’t have a savings account. It’s one thing to not have a savings account when you’re early in your career, just trying to get by and living paycheck to paycheck, but once you hit your 30’s, you should have a savings account. This also means that any guy you date should have a savings account too. Even if there isn’t much in it, a savings account is a savings account. It shows he cares about his future and wants to prepare for the unexpected.
He plays childish games. He waits 3 days to text you even though you know his phone is in his hand 24/7, he flaks out on plans, or suddenly act aloof…you don’t have time for this BS. It was fun as a teenager; hell, maybe it was still fun at even 27, but childish games are a deal breaker once you finally reach full-fledged adulthood.
He’s the jealous kind. Although jealousy can seem charming at first — oh, he loves me so much he’s jealous that guy just smiled at me — it can also spin out of control quickly. You don’t want to have to ask permission to go out with your friends, nor do you need to answer 30 questions about where you were, who you were with, or made to feel like you are in an interrogation! It’s going to feel like a prison.
He makes you feel like sh*t. Whether he makes you feel self-conscious about your looks, doesn’t support you in your professional or personal journeys, makes passive aggressive comments, or simply makes you second-guess anything and everything, it’s a total deal breaker. As a grown woman, you want a guy who’s confident enough in himself that he doesn’t need to resort to putting you down. You deserve a man who’s going to walk beside you as a partner, inspires you encourages you, loves you, and lifts you up.
He doesn’t hear you. It’s one thing to listen; anyone can do that. But it’s a whole other level of maturity to be able to hear someone when they speak. I mean really hear each and every word that’s coming out of their mouth. If a guy only listens but never hears a damn thing you say then, as Beyoncé would say, “To the left.”